i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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