It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
