if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
