I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
