the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize