she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
