Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
