hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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