Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
