people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
