My first STD was from a foam party
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
