well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
