Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
