he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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