i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
