The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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