It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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