I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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