why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
