Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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