I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
