Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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