DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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