I hate your face
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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