Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
