FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
