i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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