i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
