Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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