And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
