We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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