Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
