Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Randomize
