just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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