I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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