Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
