It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
