There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I could make wine with my vomit
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
