Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
