So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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