My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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