i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I fill condoms, not promises.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.