She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?