Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
