everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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