just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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