she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
