had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize