"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
