is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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