i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
