Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
