Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
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DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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