im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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