Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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