Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
