i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i came on her dog
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
