I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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