Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
