I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
